The Archlaic was at Logan Airport the other evening and stopped at one of the licensed establishments for a pint; as he looked for a table he noticed a man sitting alone, wearing a black clerical suit with a hint of a chain showing diagonally inside the jacket. The cleric, who was sipping a glass of white wine and reading a paperback novel by Andrew Greeley, looked vaguely familiar... then The Archlaic recognized him: Cardinal Balony himself!
Realizing the unique and providential opportunity presented by this chance encounter, His Magnitude sprang into action:
THE ARCHLAIC: Sure, if it isn't Cardinal Balony himself, in the flesh as it were! Eminence, what brings you to our fair city?
CDL. BALONY: That rat - I mean Archbishop Gomez, didn't want me to go, and by the time I got a reservation first class was full on all the nonstop flights, so now I'm stuck here on thie 3-hour layover. Seems like an eternity... hey. wait a minute, who are you and what do you want?
THE ARCHLAIC: Forgive me, Eminence; I'm the Archlaic of North Carver and...
CDL. BALONY: Archlaic of what? (looks suspiciously at the collar of The Archlaic's black turteneck) What are you, some kind of subdeacon or something? I thought Vatican II did away with all that...
THE ARCHLAIC: (laughs) Ah, Eminence, Archbishop Weakloins always said you had a great sense of humor! So tell me, what do you think of the new pope?
CDL. BALONY: Well since you asked, it was one of the great experiences of my life to be able to be a part of a conclave for the second time, and to elect another pope.
THE ARCHLAIC: But what do you think of him so far?
CDL. BALONY: Did you see his shoes? Plain black ones, not those red Pradas like Ratz... er, Benedict wore. Paul VI got rid of all that medieval foofery you know, but if Ratz had been there any longer he's have brought back the sedia and the ostrich plumes!
THE ARCHLAIC: But Pope Francis...
CDL. BALONY: That's what I'm talking about, we need to show we care about the poor. This pre-Conciliar high church stuff puts people off, modern men - people - can't relate to it, it's like the Queen of England, nobody pays any attention to any of that stuff.
THE ARCHLAIC: But didn't Pope Benedict believe that beauty in the liturgy brought people to God?
CDL. BALONY: Oh. you're one of those? Should have known... Archlaic, eh? Well I'll tell you, while Ratzinger was running the inquisition and writing his little books I was dealing with real problems of real people. I have the largest archdiocese in the world you know, and we don't do any of that silly stuff. My Cathedral was the first one built according to the blueprint of Vatican II, noble simplicity and so forth...
THE ARCHLAIC: I thought Los Angles was the largest in the United States, not in the world. I think Mexico City is...
CDL. BALONY: Well that's only because our undocumented workers are in the shadows, they're afraid Bush is going to deport them. If we counted them L.A. would be the biggest. We probably have more Mexicans than Mexico City anyway, and they're all Catholic. And that's another thing, Pope Francis is Hispanic, he speaks Spanish, él puede hablar con los hombres y mujeres modernos en su propio idioma just like me. And he's humble, did you see his shoes? Really low church!
THE ARCHLAIC: Eminence, I'm a bit confused about your references to "high" and "low" church. Those are protestant terms, and they don't really seem to be appropriate points of reference to the Catholic liturgical ceremonies...
CDL. BALONY: There you have it - ceremony! When we do liturgy in my church there's none of that, that, ceremonialism! Just plain, simple Catholic Christians gathered around a humble table to eat the Supper of the Lord.
THE ARCHLAIC: But Eminence, what's un-ceremonial about liturgical dancers, rock bands, and gaggles of laypeople milling around in the sanctuary? And you built a $150 million cathedral when you already had one, is that what you mean by "low church"?
CDL. BALONY: That old wreck was about to fall down, one more good earthquake and it would have fallen like the walls of Jericho; and it would have cost a lot more than $150 million to retrofit it for earthquakes and Vatican II! And incidentally it was more like $190 million, all given by the People of God in Los Angeles. I designed it myself...
THE ARCHLAIC: Yes, Eminence, but why do you think that "simple" and "noble" and even "humble" exclude "beauty"?
CDL. BALONY: Hey, did you hear that announcement? Didn't she say "Now boarding first-class passengers for American flight 007 to L.A.”? I've got to run! Nice talking to you and I'll pray for your intentions...
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Good to have you back, Archlaic! Since the esteemed cardinal mistook you for some kind of a subdeacon it's too bad you didn't take the opportunity to bring up your idea for the creation of the "permanent subdiaconate" - Balony would be just the man to advance such an idea...
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